I just finished a book that has been sitting on my shelf for 2 years, Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss, 2nd Edition by Hope Edelmann. The author lost her mother to breast cancer when she was 17 years old and is now in her early 40s - outliving her mother. I bought this book in 2006 about 6 months after Mom died. I also gave a copy to my sister who was 20 years old when Mom died. Not sure if sister has read it but I am going to tell her this month that she needs to soon. It was also interesting that I had this book with me two weeks ago in LA for a conference (read on the shuttles and such) and a woman in my hotel stopped and talked to me to find out more about the book. She just came right up and said, “I see you reading that book and wonder what you think of it. My mom died when I was 27 years old.” I had actually just started the book and couldn’t really offer her much information, but she was clearly in her late 30s or 40s so I found it interesting that after so much time, she was seeking out information.
I have been putting off the reading of this book for many reasons. One is that sometimes I feel like Mom is still around. I blame this on moving 750 miles away. I really did not see or talk to my mother daily (or weekly for that matter since the last 2 years with her were full of ups and downs for us…mostly downs). The other reason is that I often convince myself that I am “okay.”
I really wanted to read Edelmann’s other book, Motherless Mothers. I feel like this is something that I am lacking - the guidance of my mother in helping to raise my boys. So I thought that I should read the first book and then move onto the second one. I’m glad that I did. It uncovered alot of feelings that now seem to make sense. And more importantly I realize that I am not alone in this world. It took a long time to get through some parts. I’d have to put the book down, cry, do something else, and return several times. It is good to know, however, that my pain is real even though it is two years later.
The author interviewed over 200 motherless daughters. Some grew up without their mothers (who either abandoned them or died when they were really really young). The author originally wrote the book to serve this audience, but says that after the 1st edition, she was connecting with alot of motherless daughters who lost their moms in their 20s or 30s (I was 33). So this second edition does an even better job of reaching to more motherless daughters. It even talks about going through a mother’s illness prior to death and dealing with this. I found this extremely helpful. I often tell people that even though my mother did not die from breast cancer, that was the beginning of the end. She beat breast cancer only to be highly dependent on pain relievers and medications - she had convinced herself mentally that she NEEDED so many meds. And this indirectly lead to my mothers death.
One thing that the book did help me to come to terms with is my little knowledge of my mother as a real person. After my parents divorced, I don’t know if I knew the “real” Mom or the “other” Mom. I have made such an effort over the last 2 years to talk more to people that knew her and hear their stories and see their pictures. There was a time when my mom was happy with her life and this is comforting to know. Getting my Dad to talk about her was tough on both of us, but he has opened up alot and shared wonderful stories. This summer, we even made a trip to Cape May, NJ while on vacation nearby to see where our family vacationed and where my Mom stayed when there with her parents. She LOVED the ocean and Cape May was her true passion. On our last day at the Jersey shore, my sister and I spread Mom’s ashes into the Atlantic Ocean. I immediately felt at peace. Hard to explain.
I am probably going to start reading Motherless Mothers soon. I’m not sure what sort of information I am hoping to get here, just hoping to find something useful or something that can make me feel better about my “mothering journey.” It isn’t easy and sometimes Dad is just not all that helpful.
I’m going to get my sister to read this book and I recommend to anyone out there whose mom has died or left their relationship. It is the best book out there.
